I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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