Apparently you make a good broom.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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