my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
