yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
