I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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