i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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