it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
