You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
meet me or not, i'm out of control
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
