I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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