Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
