I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
