i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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