Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
