we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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