Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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