she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize