Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
