I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish you could order shots online.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
