The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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