and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
