I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
