My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
