if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
