He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
