Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
