so explain again why im purple
no
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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