Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
