Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
