I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
