38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
