Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
