Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
