She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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