If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
