after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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