She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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