Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
