i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
