i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
