I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
