What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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