the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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