I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
