Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i've created a new STD.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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