Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
