Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
