I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
