I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
