Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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