I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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