i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
