bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
