considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
