What a fucking waste of an outfit
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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