Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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