That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
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