So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
