My underwear smells like fireworks.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
