I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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